I have to admit that "anger" bubbles up, and as I reflect back as to WHY this is so hard for me, "I was taught that there is a price for being angry, showing emotions that did not fit our dirty little secrets." I also know that through therapy, I had a HUGE need to forgive so that I would heal and not feel the shame and fear. I did a weekend of processing and watching others process. It just looked ugly and scary to me. Interesting to me was that I found my anger at my mother, not the many violations that happened to me over the years. I was told that it was because she was in my heart and her violations went deep. I was able to leave body during the gang rape. She didn't protect me. She didn't tell me. She didn't show love, compassion, she needed me. So, I WANT to find the bubble up and express... I will...I will.
At the age of 5 years old my mother G.C. started her rampage of sexual abuse upon me. I clearly remember one evening she had come into a small and humid room which was the kids bedroom, and picked me up and held me in her arms like a loving mother would do with her child, but her intentions were far from loving and nurturing. It was going to be another long evening of her having a 5 year old boy fulfill her sick and fucking disgusting desires. As she commenced to undress me, my dad shows up.
As I hear him come through the door I am so relieved that he was home, finally all this would finally stop. But that was not the case, my mother threaten me that if I did not get under their bed she would hurt me really bad. So I obeyed her and crawled under the bed which could probably occupy a small animal. As I curled up like a ball, I heard my dad come through the door of the bedroom. Finally I told myself that my dad would save me, but once again false hope. My dad asked my mother how the kids were doing and she replied they are fine they are asleep. Such a fucking lie, their 5 year old laid underneath their bed naked and scared.
And in the next few minutes my parents indulged in pleasing each-other, talking nasty to each-other and just having a fucking grand ole time together, while I lay underneath the bed. G.C. your are a sick and fucking heartless bitch, for 3 years you forced me to have sex with you, to do disgusting acts with you. Your baby boy that you said you loved, but how could you do what you did you disgusting fucking bitch. You left me under that bed to hear you and dad have sex and you didn't even fucking budge or blink to save your son from that experience that has scared me for 27 years.
I can really say with all I have that I hate you and I really hope that your death comes with the most pain someone can feel at that moment and I hope your last thought that goes through your mind is how much of a sick and disgusting fucking person you are. SO G.C REST IN PISS....MUCH HATE NOT YOUR SON....